Thursday, December 16, 2004

The Would-Be Domestic Diva

I was a semi-finalist to be a contestant on a reality TV show. I had to go to Seattle to do a taped interview/audition with a producer for the show. I had an anxiety attack the night before and blew the whole thing.

But let me start at the beginning. I heard from my sister that CBS was creating this reality TV show called “Domestic Diva” to find a Martha Stewart replacement. They would have 12 contestants battle it out to win their own style-guru TV show. My first thought, “This is my chance.”

You see, I have always thought I would be famous. I haven’t sought it out by trying to actually do something with my life. I always thought it would fall in my lap. So this opportunity was right up my alley, and I ‘m thinking this is it.

So my darling, supportive husband helps me make this audition video to send in.. Everyone who participated was fabulous, and everything went smoothly.

A few weeks later I got a call from a producer who, in a very flattering manner, tells me I am a semi-finalist, and can I make it out to an interview/audition in Seattle on a certain date. She way she’s talking I’m a shoe-in, and I totally buy it.

My husband and I do some serious discussing of serious matters and decide to go for it. Of course I need the perfect outfit, so off to Anthropologie ( for those who care) to procure the winning ensemble. Two hundred and fifty dollars later… I am dressed to impress.

We fly to Seattle on money we don’t have and get a hotel room. The interview is the next morning and I am having problems.

For those of you who don’t suffer from anxiety let me give you the 411. It strikes without warning. It makes you feel like you have an elephant sitting on your chest. You have crazy non-sense thoughts of self-doubt and delusion. You shake, you sweat. You literally feel like your heart will beat you to death from the inside.

But I know I am well prepared. I am going into this interview with an impeccable resume. I have a Louis Vuitton bag carrying a 1776 period costume, a stained glass window, pieces of embroidery, and a portfolio containing samples of photography and photo documentation of parties, food, and flower arranging, and some project boards of interior design projects I have completed. I am set and confident.

But the anxiety the night before seriously shakes me. I am tired the next morning, with a pounding headache, and feel like I am thinking too hard. Relax. Relax.

I walked confidently in my stunning 4” heels into the interview and smiled and shook hands, made eye contact, and made charming self deprecating jokes. I had under my arm the examples of the interior design projects. The producer (a former self-described “child actor” who appeared on “The Cosby Show” and “227”) asked me to lay boards out on the table so they can be filmed.

I say, “I have more things in the bag, should I get them out?”

And she says, “No this is good enough for now.”

So I am thinking we’ll get to that later. And we continued the interview. I was charming and confident. We all have a good laugh. Then she asks me, “How bad do you want this.”

Here’s part 1 of why I blew it. “I’m not sure,” I say like an ass. “I’m not into reality shows that try to create caricatures of stereotypes…” blah blah blah…get off your high horse.

After the patient, but puzzled, producer explains to me that this is not that kind of TV show, “the winner gets their own show on CBS,” I totally back pedal and say, “Yeah, I want it. I want it bad!” Lame.

Then we all shook hands (I even remembered to thank the camera guy by name) and I sashayed out of the room. As I am hearing the producer greet the next semi-finalist I realize…


They didn’t see a tenth of what I am capable of. It was like my mind blanked. The whole time we were talking about party throwing, and flower arranging, and cooking I DIDN’T OPEN THE BAG AND SHOW THEM!!!!!!!! “Laces out, Dan Marino!” That was part 2 of how I blew it.

And now the first advertisement/teasers are being shown on CBS. They are calling it “Wickedly Perfect.” It should have been my show. It was a sure thing. Fame was within my reach. And I blew it. And I can’t watch that show. It will hurt too much.

But check out my audition video. The producer chick said it caused quite a stir at CBS.


Sarah Marinara said...

That was an AMAZING video! You so totally should have won!

Kacy said...

You are wickedly perfect and I feel cheated out of what would have been my new favorite show because you went all fancy talky with your "stereo types" and your "caricatures." What a rip off. Was it Vanessa? Rudy? Theo? Boner?

Alice said...

Most. Awesome. Video. Ev. Er.

Seriously... I can't believe you didn't get it. My good friend has anxiety attacks, though, so I know what you're saying. Do you take meds... because there are meds for it. And apparently they work.

Cameron H said...

If you wants, I gots connections and we can put an end to all those flim-flam producers, and get in you, cause that was classic, and I am interested in the "bag"

Alice said...

I love that the bag was a Louis.

Marcy Dibbleblotts said...

Love the video. Love Anthropologie.

JP said...

I love that...LOVE IT! Did that kid actually fall backwards in that chair? That made it even funnier!! Oops...sorry. ;)

Suzie Petunia said...

It should have been you.

Carly said...

That is seriously the greatest video I have ever seen--and I know videos. Wish you hadn't botched it. I need a Martha Steward replacement very badly.