Monday, May 23, 2005

The Awkward Walk

As inspired by Rebecca’s insights on various walks…

I have spent many an hour in dance class. As most young girls, I wanted to be a dancer more than anything. It was my DREAM. A lot of young girls have this dream whether they are talented or merely determined, coordinated or awkward.

I realized rather quickly, and I suspect that dance teachers also know this, that there is a simple way to determine whether or not someone is “awkward.” A means of separating the herd to determine true talent and coordination….

All you have to do is make up a pretense of learning a simple dance routine. You know, like you did when you were little. The routine must incorporate at least 4 counts of walking…yes, I said walking, in the forward direction preferably.

A coordinated person does not think about walking. They will extend a foot and the opposite arm.

For example: if your routine calls for 4 walks forward starting on the right foot then a pas de bouree to the left then to the right…the coordinated person will begin with their right foot and their left arm extended…

The awkward person will inevitably pause for a fraction of a second while they THINK about walking and then will ALWAYS extend a foot and the same arm i.e. right foot AND right arm.

Stand up right now and try walking this way. It’s loads of fun. Start with your right foot and make sure to extend your right arm as well, then move to the left and extend your left arm as well. Walk around the room (or cubical) a couple of times. This is how awkward people feel. Try the awkward run. You won't stop laughing, even if you're by yourself.

As I have shared this knowledge with others, it has become a game to see who can awkward walk, or run, most naturally. I have awkward walked in some pretty swanky places…just to see if I could pull it off.

But the most DELIGHTFUL thing about the awkward walk is teaching it to an awkward person; because the outcome of their awkward confusion about intentional awkward walking is always a non-awkward walk.

P.S. I am constantly bugged to see the awkward walk show up in public and or official places. For instance, the next time you watch The Apprentice, notice the little cartoon "business man" running with the briefcase by the logo. He is totally doing the awkward run. And then they freeze him into the logo to be forever immortalized in his awkwardness...

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Happy Birthday Pom Pom Tankman Duck

One day old

So some of you might know that one month ago, a mommy duck laid her eggs right out my front door; in my flowers. Needless to say, she regretted her choice of nesting places. While it might seem picturesque to lay your eggs amidst daisies and violas, the traffic was an issue. After a few days, mommy duck gave up and left her eggs to us.

We decided that while I “look as fertile as the Tennessee valley, my womb is a rocky place where [Todd’s] seed can find no purchase…” we might as well become adoptive parents to 8 duck eggs.

We invested in a duck womb…
The Duck Womb

…and diligently read many websites on how to incubate eggs. They must have a constant 99.5 F temp (no more! no less!) and must be turned every four hours. We tracked their progress by shining a flashlight through a small hole in a piece of cardboard and holding it up to the shell.

Unfortunately, we are amateurs. I’m not sure what went wrong, but only one duck made it out of fetus-hood.

On May 10, 2005, after exactly 28 days in the “womb”, one of the eggs started to *peep*. Here is the progression:

It starts as a little hole…
Post Pip

Then it gets a little bigger…
Getting Strong Now...So Strong Now

The Activity Day girls crowd around to watch…
Activity Day Committee

A tiny beak appears as the duck makes cracks all the way around the shell…
A Beak!

The top pops off and a little wet duck comes out!
Wet and Exhausted

Kacy and her kids were present for the popping out. Amy Lynn and her kids arrived a little later.
That Fit in That

We let Jake name him/her (we won’t know until puberty). Jake chose Pom Pom Tankman Duck Rhodes.

Pom Pom has a cool new “brood” with a clip on light to keep warm and lots of tasty food and water.
Fave Cuddling Spot

Pom Pom’s favorite place to be is in between my cardigan and my shirt. Pom Pom just climbed on up and that’s where he/she likes to hang out. That won’t last too long seeing as how Pom Pom’s digestive system will kick in soon and ducks do not have sphincters.

We’ll see what happens with Pom Pom. We want to get chickens, but we are not quite ready yet. We have a pond and lots of other ducks in our back yard so we hope that Pom Pom will grow up to be a good normal duck and live in the pond, but will come visit every once in a while.

Todd and I are happy to be parents to a duck. I won’t dress up Pom Pom or take Pom Pom for walks on a leash. I promise we won’t let it get too out of hand.

(We are registered at Target and PetSmart…and Tiffany & Co.)

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Freeze Dried Peas

So I may have neglected to mention that in 1999 for 4 months I worked for a food storage company. I sold food storage door to door.

It’s not what you think. It was an awesome company. I would not have sold ANYTHING door to door if I had NOT thought it was totally awesome. Trust me.

The president of the company was the father of a friend of mine, so I was psyched to go to their house one day for an orientation of the foods they sold.

Just to backtrack a bit, the company sold “normal” food packaged to last in storage so that you would not have to store wheat and crap like that. Instead you could store Krusteaz waffle, muffin, and bread mix, pasta, Bear Creek Soup, sauces, Malt-o-Meal cereals, and my favorite…freeze dried meats, fruits, and vegetables. Like I said, it was an awesome company.

All the sales reps (young, mostly male 20-somethings) were invited to the president’s house for a breakfast consisting of pancakes, waffles, muffins, juice, jams, jellies, and syrups all made from the food storage products. After breakfast we (about 15 young men, the president, and moi) congregated in the HUGE pantry to sample some of the other freeze dried products.

The freeze dried stuff was good. I used to buy the peas and strawberries just to snack on. So as we’re passing around the peas I decide to open my big mouth to add my personal endorsement.

“The thing I really love about the freeze dried stuff is that it really tastes good. Like these peas…they really retain their…their pea-ness…” PEA-NESS!