Saturday, September 06, 2008

My Impending Death... and the After Party

I am not generally morbid. Nay, I am an eternal optimist, but I also like to be prepared. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to make my own funeral arrangements, because I am also a perfectionist.

I leave this post to you, the surviving party planners... if you REALLY cared for me, you will do by bidding...

*Please note: I am perfectly healthy and not planning on dying soon, this is just for the record... that if I die, you all will know what to do about it.

First, I would like to point out the F-U-N in FUNERAL. Unless, by some tragedy I have fallen away from the people, things, and institutions that I love (such as family, banana splits, and the Church...) my funeral should be a CELEBRATION and a PAR-TAY! Only be sad for the afore mentioned reasons, not simply because I am gone. I know where I am (or am going). I am happy to be there, and happy to see people there. This should be a fun send off... BON VOYAGE. In fact, maybe there should be a banner that says that... (Note to self, call banner company...)

Due to the nature of the following requests, you (the party planner) may want to consider NOT holding this funeral in the chapel even though it is free. A park might be more appropriate, or the gymnasium at the church, but I don't know how they feel about having fire eaters in the building... I will try to die in the summer. Or somewhere warm...

Dead bodies at parties are a downer not to mention really scary. My physical body is not to be viewed or even present if you can help it. I want a pine box of untreated wood (or a large brown paper bag) and a plot out in the middle of nowhere or somewhere where you can plant a large tree or rosebush on top of me. I want my physical remains to be turned into something useful. But if you feel uncomfortable eating apples or apricots that used to be me, then consider something that flowers instead. If you feel you really want to mark my spot, a large angel with wings spread or a giant, white marble obelisk will do.

Here's a rough outline of the schedule of events:

*Arrival time-

Socializing as the guests arrive, some photos of my life set up, things I made that remind you of me, & hors d'oeuvres (deviled eggs, pigs-in-a-blanket, pots tickers, & crab cakes brought around on trays).

*Food & Games-

Carnival stuff: games for the adults and bouncy castles for the kids. It would be awesome if you won tickets and then could choose prizes. Food should consist of my favorite foods from the state fair: hot dogs, nachos, pizza, pretzels, funnel cakes, cotton candy, and fried candy bars (you might want to consider having it catered by Hot Dog on a Stick (the girls in the hats are so cute, the guy in the hot dog suit is your call).

*Elephant rides-

You read that right... find them and book them.


Whoever wants to... or better yet, pass out a quiz about me and give a prize to whomever knew the most answers! Here are some things that can NEVER be said about me in a eulogy... I just want to get them out of the way:

"She was such a quiet girl."
"She never said a bad word about anyone."
"She never raised her voice."

*Slide show of my life and the people I loved for the duration-

Set to the music of "You Are My Sunshine", "Fly Me to the Moon", "Somewhere Beyond the Sea", and as the finale... "Danke Shcoen". No more, no less. If Wayne Newton is still playing Vegas and there is enough money left after getting the elephants, then try and book him as well, he can sing all of those.

Eat and play until you are tired and then go home. Take food and flowers with you.

Being the person in charge of funerals at the moment, this may seem daunting, but it is possible. Please make sure all the tables have tablecloths and that there are fresh flowers. If you can't get elephants just make sure of the tablecloths.

Todd and I have a little insurance, I made sure we would have enough for elephants. Just do your best. I won't be there in person, but I will be there in spirit making sure you all have a good time.

Monday, September 01, 2008

So Telling...

So, Mom and Dad are selling their house and planning to go on a mission soon. They have asked some of the kids to "babysit" some items for them while they are "homeless". Dad and Mom and Chip spent most of Saturday loading a huge U-Haul to bring all this stuff down to Provo and it was 10:30pm before Dad even got to my house to unload.

All day I had promised Dad a nice cold drink and had made a special batch of limeade with pureed strawberries and Pellegrino just for him. Just as we were finishing up with the unloading, I asked Todd to go into the house and put ice in a glass and pour a nice cold glass for Dad. Todd came back with the glass sweating with condensation and Dad said, "Thank you," and took a huge sip and kind of just sat there.

We chatted for a moment, and then Dad said, "Well, I've got to get going..." He took another HUGE gulp, and I offered to put it into a cup he could take with him. He said, "Oh, no.. that's fine. Thank you."

As Dad walked to the truck I looked at the cold glass and since there was so much left I took a big old gulp myself. Instead of tangy-sweet strawberry limeade I got a mouthful of raw tomato juice. Todd had seen the pitcher of red liquid on the counter (drained from tomatoes cut up for salsa that day - so no salt or anything...) and had thought that was the limeade. Poor Dad! And he was too polite to say anything like: "I don't think this is limeade," or "this limeade sucks."

I laughed so hard and then ran to the truck and made sure my dear, sweet, hard-working dad knew that we had not intended to give him a cold glass of tomato juice. He gently said, "I didn't think it tasted right..." He would rather suck it up and drink the gross juice than to offend me in any way even though I could have handled the humiliation. So telling...

I love my Dad!