Speaking of Jeans

You know how I am always on the lookout for perfect jeans? Ladies of my particular proportions are always being extorted in our efforts to find denim with appropriate levels of sexiness without wanton-ness, fit without discomfort, control without roll, and a price that will allow me to pay Provo City this month.

Well.

As I was strolling through Target the other day, as I am want to do, I was going to buy a new pair of the Mossimo low-rise bootcuts that make EVERYONE look good regardless of age, salary, or size…


…when I came across a NEW style in the “junior’s” section. They are Levi Strauss low-rise bootcut and they come in a couple of different washes…indigo and antique being the two best, in my humble opinion.

So I thought I would share my (correct-as-usual) opinion on how to buy jeans:

Fit:
They should be tight when you first try them on, but if you can’t button them comfortably, then they’re too small. Trust me on this. If you put on jeans and immediately think, “these are too small, I would never wear jeans this tight,” they are probably right. If you try on a size lager and think “that’s better” you are wearing jeans that are too big. Jeans straight from the manufacturer have been processed to death, wear them around the house for an hour, and they will loosen up. If you are in between sizes…sucks to be you, use your best judgment.

Rise:
No one should be buying high-rise jeans. NO ONE. I don’t care who you are, how fat you think you are, or how old you think you are. Jeans that come up to your belly button make your BUTT AND HIPS LOOK HUGE…even if you’re skinny.

For the most flattering fit, you should be wearing your jeans in a medium or low-rise. Low-rise does not necessarily mean that your crack is going to show; they usually call that super-low-rise or ultra-low-rise.

Be prudent. If you buy your jeans in the teenager department, low rise means one thing. If you buy your jeans in the respectable adult department, it means another. If you have a J-Lo-esque rear, wear a belt with your low-rise jeans, this keeps them from sliding down when you sit down.

Medium-rise jeans should come below your belly button. If you are wearing high-rise jeans thinking that it will control the roll situation, you are sorely mistaken. Medium-rise jeans prevent the roll. High-rise jeans create the “pooch”. No one wants to create the pooch.

Wash:
Most women look best in a modest, darker wash. Light washes are akin to white pants in that they can make you look larger than you are. The goal in mind with jeans is LONG and LEAN. Darker washes have the tendency to produce this effect. Stay away from obvious whiskering at the crotchal regions or obvious and unrealistic “sanding” at the thighs and buttal regions.

This is stupid. I often try and imagine what kind of activity could possibly have worn the jeans THAT way? Sliding down concrete embankments? The darker the wash, the more “formal” the look. Jeans are more acceptable in social occasions of, say, going out, if the jeans look nice and have a dark wash with not a lot of “distressing” and wear.

Colored jeans are not worth even talking about at this juncture. You shouldn’t be wearing them. Full stop. Black jeans are a little too 90’s and white jeans only looked good on Jackie O and supermodels vacationing in St. Tropez.

Cut:
Your best bet is straight leg or boot-cut. Flared jeans are somewhat trendy and youthful, but not flattering on most adults. The best line for ANY pant is straight from hip to foot. If your jeans come in too much at the knee then it accentuates the size of your thighs. If your thighs are the widest part of your leg (and we hope that they are or else you are some kind of freak with huge calves…) your jeans should fit you there and then should continue to the floor unfettered and unobstructed. A little flare is OK, but moderate to extreme flare is not.

Length:
Here you may balk. If you are a person who likes to wear boots or heels with jeans, you may need to consider buying jeans to fit with heels and jeans to wear with flats. Not kidding. One jean cannot rule them all, so to speak. If you are wearing a shoe/boot with a heel, the hem of the jeans should cover the top of the foot and be wide enough to clear the shoe and still have an inch before it touches the floor. If you are wearing heels and your hem touches the floor, your jeans are too long. If your jeans hit at the top of your heel, they are too short.


If you are wearing flats or street shoes (notice I did not say running shoes or hiking shoes or any specific sport related shoe…) the same principle applies. Your jean may have a “break” at the top of your foot above the hem (which means that the line of the leg may bend, not bunch, at the top of your foot) and the hem should cover most of your heel without touching the ground. “Heel length” jeans would be too bunchy at the bottom to wear with flats. Bunchy=not good. Long and lean=fantastic.

P.S. I was at Banana Republic today buying a gorgeous $168 pink silk dress for $12 when the woman in front of me was having the sales girl fill out an alterations ticket! For jeans! Genius!

My biggest pet peeve of fashion these days is this: just because they sell it in the stores doesn’t mean it’s “in style” or that it is going to look as good on you as it does on Giselle or SJP. You may be seeing some “skinny” styles coming back right now.


This does not mean this is where jeans are headed. This is a fad, a throwback to the 80’s, and you should not participate unless you are at or below a size 4. Seriously.