Saturday, September 06, 2008

My Impending Death... and the After Party

I am not generally morbid. Nay, I am an eternal optimist, but I also like to be prepared. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to make my own funeral arrangements, because I am also a perfectionist.

I leave this post to you, the surviving party planners... if you REALLY cared for me, you will do by bidding...

*Please note: I am perfectly healthy and not planning on dying soon, this is just for the record... that if I die, you all will know what to do about it.

First, I would like to point out the F-U-N in FUNERAL. Unless, by some tragedy I have fallen away from the people, things, and institutions that I love (such as family, banana splits, and the Church...) my funeral should be a CELEBRATION and a PAR-TAY! Only be sad for the afore mentioned reasons, not simply because I am gone. I know where I am (or am going). I am happy to be there, and happy to see people there. This should be a fun send off... BON VOYAGE. In fact, maybe there should be a banner that says that... (Note to self, call banner company...)

Due to the nature of the following requests, you (the party planner) may want to consider NOT holding this funeral in the chapel even though it is free. A park might be more appropriate, or the gymnasium at the church, but I don't know how they feel about having fire eaters in the building... I will try to die in the summer. Or somewhere warm...



Dead bodies at parties are a downer not to mention really scary. My physical body is not to be viewed or even present if you can help it. I want a pine box of untreated wood (or a large brown paper bag) and a plot out in the middle of nowhere or somewhere where you can plant a large tree or rosebush on top of me. I want my physical remains to be turned into something useful. But if you feel uncomfortable eating apples or apricots that used to be me, then consider something that flowers instead. If you feel you really want to mark my spot, a large angel with wings spread or a giant, white marble obelisk will do.

Here's a rough outline of the schedule of events:

*Arrival time-

Socializing as the guests arrive, some photos of my life set up, things I made that remind you of me, & hors d'oeuvres (deviled eggs, pigs-in-a-blanket, pots tickers, & crab cakes brought around on trays).

*Food & Games-

Carnival stuff: games for the adults and bouncy castles for the kids. It would be awesome if you won tickets and then could choose prizes. Food should consist of my favorite foods from the state fair: hot dogs, nachos, pizza, pretzels, funnel cakes, cotton candy, and fried candy bars (you might want to consider having it catered by Hot Dog on a Stick (the girls in the hats are so cute, the guy in the hot dog suit is your call).

*Elephant rides-

You read that right... find them and book them.



*Eulogy-

Whoever wants to... or better yet, pass out a quiz about me and give a prize to whomever knew the most answers! Here are some things that can NEVER be said about me in a eulogy... I just want to get them out of the way:

"She was such a quiet girl."
"She never said a bad word about anyone."
"She never raised her voice."


*Slide show of my life and the people I loved for the duration-

Set to the music of "You Are My Sunshine", "Fly Me to the Moon", "Somewhere Beyond the Sea", and as the finale... "Danke Shcoen". No more, no less. If Wayne Newton is still playing Vegas and there is enough money left after getting the elephants, then try and book him as well, he can sing all of those.

Eat and play until you are tired and then go home. Take food and flowers with you.

Being the person in charge of funerals at the moment, this may seem daunting, but it is possible. Please make sure all the tables have tablecloths and that there are fresh flowers. If you can't get elephants just make sure of the tablecloths.

Todd and I have a little insurance, I made sure we would have enough for elephants. Just do your best. I won't be there in person, but I will be there in spirit making sure you all have a good time.

22 comments:

Suzie Petunia said...

It sounds like so much fun... Do we have to wait until you're dead? And if we have to say "Bon Voyage" to you and Todd at the same time (heaven forbid), is he ok with this plan? Does he want his own party? Or something more "traditional"? Like doves instead of elephants...?

Carrie Ann said...

How would you ride a dove?

Abby said...

I feel funny saying this, but reading that actually made me excited for your funeral...shame on you for filling me with conflict!

Suzie Petunia said...

Good point.

mo said...

I will be smiling with you as we watch from heaven and feeling relieved that I didn't have to clean up after the elephants. As for now, there is a reason why your ringtone is Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen"--it always makes me smile.

Julie said...

Can I come? Will there be invitations instead of an obituary? That sounds like a lot of fun!!

Svenska & Sheaux said...

I was under the impression that the standing orders about Danke Shcoen was that it was to be played as we carried your casket out and you would have something waving your hand from inside the casket as it went!

Sheaux knows that if there is a wake, I am to be wearing a glitzy oversized bow-tie and, if possible, I would like to be in fetal position on my side...
Also we have agreed that right before I go, if she is there, she will remind me to make a funny face and see if it sticks that way.

Other than that, I'll take a funeral like yours!

emma jo said...

I was just laughing way too hard at the prospect of my siblings dying. I got all excited when you mentioned the cheap casket and then frustrated when you mentioned the elephant rides...that's gonna set us back...but then you said funnel cakes and I was all like "wahoo!".

Wendy said...

That does sound like a really fun party, a little morbid, but fun. Do you mind if I shed one tear? Cause I'll miss you and I would want you there in body, not just spirit.

andrea said...

hmm. and now i know how to spell "danke schoen".

and the phrase "funeral frolicking" is going to be stuck in my head all night now. how am i gonna explain THAT one to my husband???

(Jen) Domino-n-Crash & Fam. said...

Yessss, someone else that wants their FUNeral to not be filled with tears and blahhh. We've got a good one for my husband (granted, it requires him not getting blown up ...ah military life...)
Ya know those motion sensor Halloweeen toys that say different things or make sounds when you walk by? Okay, he's going to save a bunch of sound bites of things like "What are you Lookin' At? I don't cry when YOU rest." or "Boo!" etc etc, so that as people are at the viewing, they are either too startled to be sad, but mostly in hopes of Laughing.
Thanks for the FUN thoughts...but do everyone a favor, wait a VERY long time to let this particular party happen.
By the way, I'm SO happy to see the glimmer of the "O" family humor I always loved. I needed that today. :o) Good to have such wonderful support...he he he.

HappyBack said...

My funeral? Log rolling. Everyone competes. The winner is slain and gets to join me in PIE HEAVEN! because when I die, if I'm given a choice bewteen heaven and Pie Heaven, I'm choosing Pie Heaven. mmmmm, pie heaven....

(*thanks to Jack handy for the Pie Heaven line that I stole and blatantly abused here.)

Kacy said...

I for one will take great pleasure in eating an apricot that used to be you.

Red Seaglass said...

o my gosh Carrie. You are the funniest person on the face of the planet. I hope I am invited to this "party". by the way, elephant rides hurt the crotch pretty bad, but I don't think that would stop anyone from enjoying it - for you of course. {this is Brooke}

Suzie Petunia said...

Your new look is gorgeous! Simply GORgeous!

Amy Lynn said...

I want everyone to pitch in some money, take my ashes to Ted Drewes in St. Louis and bury me in the bushes there. I want to be resurrected somewhere convenient...where I can completely spoil my perfect body without worrying about it.

I would LOVE to come to your FUNeral party. Especially if there is hot cheese out of a machine for the nachos.

How did you die again?

jayna said...

is this appropriate to say? hee-lar-ious.

Carrie Anne said...

LOVE this post! I have had the same thoughts...not your great ideas, though! love the Baby RhodesBud Idea, too! I will do my part & follow the great fundraising ideas! Oh I wish the best for you!!!!

Julie said...

Carrie,

Sounds a little bit like the pink gingham lined, daisy festooned, picket fence outlined get together we held for Aunt Boo. Who else misses her? Hopefully, your festivities will be a long time coming.

Mark & Amber Kincher said...

Carrie, you probably don't remember me, but I love reading your blog (just as I do Abby's). Maybe you should do a trial run, just in case, all except with you in a pine box of course. This way you'll at least be able to enjoy it!

Mary said...

How do you know Kara B? My friend Amy found your blog ( blog hopping from mine) and Kara B is her sister-in-law! Small world! It just proves we know cool people

HappyBack said...

...mmmmmmmmmmmm..... pie heaven......