Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Can't a Girl Get a Break: This is Not a Pity Party

I don't often blog about this because it deserves a whole site unto itself due to its graphic and hilarious nature, but this must be said: infertility is getting more and more hilarious all the time.

can't a girl get a break?

This last month, I thought I might be pregnant, the old-fashioned way: man & woman, not man & woman & doctor & nurse. But when I actually took the pregnancy test, the line telling me in no uncertain terms that I was NOT with child showed up before I could even get my hand to my sleepy face to look, as if to say "Come on! You're not pregnant! how many time do I have to tell you?!"

I decided that I will make a million dollars coming up with my own designer pregnancy tests. You will be able to buy a sympathetic test according to your needs. If you are a teenager, you should buy the test that, if negative, says, "Man, you sure lucked out, stupid, next time try a condom", and if it's positive, it automatically alerts your mom. If you are trying to get pregnant it's happy with you if you are, and if you're not pregnant it takes a while to show up, like it's really searching to make sure no hormone is there, and then it lets you down easy saying, " You are doing your best. Just because you are barren is not justification for all those guys who broke up with you. Your life has meaning after all. Just look out the window and appreciate the fine day you have without screaming kids, and look forward to your full night of sleep! I looked really hard, and there's just no pregnancy hormones in your urine today...but maybe tomorrow!" That's all I want. I want my pregnancy test to act as if it's making an effort.

21 comments:

Wendy said...

Amen to that sista! I just want my negative pregnancy test to show a little sympathy too. Oh the woes of infertility.

P.S. Why do your posts start so low? Or is that just my computer?

Suzie Petunia said...

I love how you can make me laugh even about a situation that makes me want to cry. Seriously, I think there is a niche in the market for your products!

Life is so unfair.

Yolanda said...

Definitely ...Why should EPT get all the green?! With all the money I "invested" in past years with EPT, I would gladly opt for a more humane way of disclosure...

I think you are magnificient...and I don't even need a test to prove it!

I also think that after the first 50 negatives, that you should a lifetime of free tests...

Svenska & Sheaux said...

but if the test did it for you, what would family be for? we'd buy your tests if you started makin em, by the way.

Emily said...

What would the test say to my neighbor in Phoenix who was 47, who had had her tubes tied, who was taking pregnancy tests galore and making her 7-year-old daughter pray for a baby sister? You'd have to have that as an option in your design. (cuckoo!)

Sean, Jen and Carson said...

I wonder, could there be colored sticks too? They are always white (or off white). I am so glad that I'll never have to buy those again...they get pricey along with the ones you also have to take to even find out when you are ovulating!

Courtney said...

Way to break it down. So very accurate. I've experienced almost all of those thoughts! :)

Abby said...

I've decided to go the bitter route. I have sworn off pregnancy tests forever. It will take me missing two good periods before I make a Dr. Appt. Then they'll tell me I'm three months along and it will all be so exciting!
And then the Easter Bunny will come slap me on the face with a wet fish...a wet fish with an unsympathetic, negative pregnancy test in it's mouth. Dumb smug fish.

Amy Lynn said...

I'm with you! A sympathetic, talking pregnancy test in designer colors would be fabulous. Then when it told me I wasn't pregnant, at least I could be consoled by the stylishness of it all.

Why is an Easter bunny showing up at Abby's house with wet fish and negative pregnancy sticks??

emma jo said...

It's just simply not fair, at all. But I'm glad that you are funny still. I'm with Sarah, I want to cry but you somehow made US feel better...and Abby's comment was pretty funny too.

Wendy said...

I'm still laughing about Abby's comment. So funny!!

P.S. Abby, I say the same thing until I'm a day late and then I'm all over that dumb white stick.

Carrie Anne said...

Okay I am DYING with laughter right now! You are the COOLEST person in the world and I LOVE your pregnancy test ideas. I think you should totally do it! Reading all of the comments is making me laugh so hard, too! You are seriously so funny! I love it!

Jangs said...

As always great marketing ideas. Especially for the dumb teenagers. I need to be filled in on the Easter Bunny and the wet fish. Someone has incredibly vivid dreams

andrea said...

i think hallmark is actually working on a musical stick. the stick will also be sensitive to personal situations; for example, the woman who just keeps popping them out will hear brittany spears singing "oops i did it again". for the young couple starting their family, roberta flack will croon "the first time ever i saw your face." for the woman who will experience a difficult pregnancy, the beastie boys will shout out "time to get ill". a teenager will hear abba's "does your mother know?" and for the woman who's had a few too many negatives, bobby mcferrin will sing you "don't worry, be happy", simply because his whistling will make you feel good.
ps i hear they're getting the easter bunny to be their spokesman. you get a free sushi for every test you buy.

mo said...

I'm so very confused by many of the comments on this blog...what in the world does Abby's mean? I'm glad that your self-esteem and outlook are not tied into your reproduction organs. It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that you are one amazing woman with or without offspring!

brittany said...

how I love you, my friend. the world needs to hear and read and react to these kinds of things--it is so obvious that we all do. I bet you could make a lot of money with tests like that. I have spent fortunes on pregnancy tests.

Carrie Anne said...

I have been laughing about this all weekend that I keep looking to see if you have posted anymore things. You are so HILARIOUS to me! I love laughing and all the comments...your family is so funny! So I think you should post more so I can laugh even more!!!:) I know I'm selfish.

Suzie Petunia said...

Just to be completely practical and not funny in the least (not a stretch for me, I know)... you can buy pregnancy tests at the Dollar Store these days! And they are accurate an everything (I know... I had my doubts, too.) Alice was a Dollar Store baby. Ok, I'll let your imagination run with that one...

Abby said...

In our second year of marrieage a got a false positive with a dollar store test--unheard of, I know, but true story. Beware the dollar store, I say. By the way--new post please. The picture hurts my feelings when I scroll down.

JP said...

You're a marketing GENIUS. A genius who's funny. You don't see that every day.

And you're just dog-gone awesome too. I'm just saying.

Wendy said...

You're quite the popular girl. I wanted to let you know that you've been tagged by me. So I guess that means you check out my blog for more instructions? Sorry if you've had to do it a bunch of times already.