This last month, I thought I might be pregnant, the old-fashioned way: man & woman, not man & woman & doctor & nurse. But when I actually took the pregnancy test, the line telling me in no uncertain terms that I was NOT with child showed up before I could even get my hand to my sleepy face to look, as if to say "Come on! You're not pregnant! how many time do I have to tell you?!"
I decided that I will make a million dollars coming up with my own designer pregnancy tests. You will be able to buy a sympathetic test according to your needs. If you are a teenager, you should buy the test that, if negative, says, "Man, you sure lucked out, stupid, next time try a condom", and if it's positive, it automatically alerts your mom. If you are trying to get pregnant it's happy with you if you are, and if you're not pregnant it takes a while to show up, like it's really searching to make sure no hormone is there, and then it lets you down easy saying, " You are doing your best. Just because you are barren is not justification for all those guys who broke up with you. Your life has meaning after all. Just look out the window and appreciate the fine day you have without screaming kids, and look forward to your full night of sleep! I looked really hard, and there's just no pregnancy hormones in your urine today...but maybe tomorrow!" That's all I want. I want my pregnancy test to act as if it's making an effort.
